A week on the Roller Coaster of Adoption

News from this weeks’ section of track has it’s ups and downs, as any good roller coaster should. I remember as a child, going to the original Elitch’s Gardens in Denver, and riding the wooden roller coaster. The thrilling twists and turns, the curves and hills, and the terrifying yet exhilarating rides down, hands in the air, half-sure you are going to fly out of your seat at any moment and find yourself airborne.

But ask yourself this, at which point on a roller coaster are you ‘up’ exactly? Is it the climb, as you feel the car slowly pulling you up the hill, followed inevitably by the descent? Is it only that brief moment as you are balanced at the very apex of the hill, knowing that within seconds you will race dizzyingly down the other side? Roller coasters have their ups and downs to be sure, but as metaphor, I am not sure it holds up. We hope that the ‘ups’ in life will last longer than a few moments, and that the getting there will be less arduous, less filled with the anticipation of the drop to follow. And when the downs come we hardly lift our hands and shout with glee, reveling in the adrenaline pumping through our bodies….

This week seems it was filled with moments, both gleeful and arduous, sorrowful and stress-filled. I will give you the run-down. First, we have struggled with getting some revised paperwork we need for our court date. The frustration comes because even after 5 weeks in Kaz, we still don’t have it. We finish our official bonding period tomorrow, incredibly, but can’t have a court hearing until the paperwork arrives. And until the court hearing, Bruce and Jaden can’t leave, and the 15 day waiting period can’t begin, and none of the paperwork necessary to Tuma and I leaving can be started. And the paperwork is not, of course, as simple as running a few copies and faxing them over. Documents must be official. Very official. Copies must be notarized. Notaries must be authenticated through something called an Apostille, which must be done by the Secretary of State for the state in which the notary is licensed. The entire thing must be translated. Then it must be sent to the Kazakhstan Embassy to be authenticated yet again. Never mind that Kaz is a signatory to the Geneva convention, one article of which is designed to eliminate this last step. Everyone is mainly intent on covering their collective behinds, so the more official stamps and signatures they can collect the better. We have waited for over 10 days with no word on when the documents would get here or whether there was any ‘work-around’ or when we might be able to have our court date. Definitely a down. Now, word is that the documents will be here by Sunday, with court tentatively scheduled for Monday. That will give Bruce and Jaden time to get to Almaty by Wednesday, for the next step of their journey home early Thursday morning. That would be an up.

As for Tuma, that has been mostly an up. When I go to pick him up from his group now, he runs over with his arms up to be lifted. He no longer cries. He has actually begun to venture away from the couch, and as long as I stay in one spot for the most part, he no longer needs to be glued to me every second. He has discovered things he has never had the chance to before. Like eating something when he feels like it, not just when it’s time. And drinking just a little from the bottle and then putting the top back on, just because he can. Running to get the ball by himself, kicking it with his foot to see what happens, and throwing back to his papa or his brother. Imagine an environment where you never get to see what happens when you kick a ball, because as soon as you do, someone else has taken it…

He loves upside down tickles and being swung around. He giggles and giggles… it’s so sweet. We still don’t know what his voice sounds like though, because he still doesn’t talk. But he will go to get the bottle when I ask ‘do you want a drink’ or ‘do you want juice’ (in Russian), he will bring me an object when I ask him to (sometimes, he is 2 after all). He will not answer to his name when we call him unless he feels like it, which is not often. He is learning to drum on stuff. We have jam sessions with markers and various objects- his bottle, a Tupperware full of rice as a shaker, the marker box, whatever. We all bang away together. Throwing tantrums remains a fixture. Nothing like the bird day though. These are mostly of the ‘noodle’ variety. You know, where you go totally limp and lay on the floor trying to get yourself worked up. The mind of a 2 year old is a mysterious place.

(Hmmm.... what does daddy taste like?)
He is learning new things so quickly, remembering from day-to-day. He will ‘drive’ a car on the floor now, not just idly spin the wheels with his finger. He won’t let Bruce hold him still, but will let him throw him up in the air for a few minutes, and will let Bruce give him treats and play ball with him. He still wants to clock the bird with just about anything he can find, but will actually stop himself sometimes now when I say ‘nyet’. Believe me, it will take more than the opinion of a 2 year old to turn me against the bird. But thanks to everyone who worried about me/us!

Today, he and Jaden played for the first time really. They played like brothers, running around, Jaden throwing the ball for Tuma and Almira (another little girl who’s adoptive parents are here for the bonding period). Jaden hugs him, kisses him, bops him on the head, and bugs him. Mostly it is the sweet and awkward attempts of a 6 year old to connect with this child, this kid that is suddenly (only not SO suddenly) his brother.

We did not see the Cosmonauts or the rocket landing or even the capsule parade through town this week, despite what the first picture might lead you to believe. We did see the huge trucks the Russian military takes out to the landing site with support personnel and equipment to retrieve the capsule though. The came rolling through town one day as we were out for a walk. Bruce and Jaden and I discovered them an hour or so later, parked in front of Arkalyk’s one hotel. The trucks were very impressive. Huge, with lots of gadgets. Each had stickers from the various missions they had been on. The stickers have the year, the flags of the countries involved, and the names of the Cosmonauts/Astronauts that were on the mission. Jaden and I hung around long enough that a few of the drivers came out. One of them spoke a bit of English, and we were able to find out when they were going out for the landing, and that it would be a 5 hour drive. Bruce wanted to know about taking a tour in their cushy bus-type vehicle. He joked that it would cost $25 million. There was some miscommunication about their plans, and we hoped they would be back here with the Cosmonauts and the capsule, but neither transpired. We did get a picture of one of the drivers in his Russian Milatary Space Program uniform. This was one of those whoop-de-whoos you find on the tracks every now and then.

We discovered the local masseuse about two weeks ago. I have ongoing shoulder and neck problems, and trying to corral a squirming two year old while sleeping on a bed with a sleep number not found on any mattress I have ever seen has turned my muscles into a network of steel cables. Bruce has been spending long hours bent over his laptop sitting on a wooden chair seriously lacking in ergonomics. Habiba sent over her massage therapist in response to my request. Apart from the bruising, her work is excellent. She rubs something on called Bom-Benge that lists ‘vasaline’ as the main ingredient. It smells just like the Ben-gay of the arthritis commercials, and greases up nicely. The best part of the experience is that the total tab is 500 tenge per hour- about $4.00. Definitely an up.

Habiba dropped a bomb on us today when she told us they have found Tuma’s birthmother. Kazakh courts require that the birthmother appear in court to agree to the adoption, or send some type of petition stating they will allow the child to be adopted. After checking quite a few places, there had been no success in finding Tuma’s birthmother. However, apparently there was a ‘breakthrough’ and it turns out she lives in Astana with her mother and her 9-ish year old daughter. Now, one would suppose that if she was planning to raise her child she would have come to get him before moving to Astana (the grandmother and daughter left for Astana only 2 weeks ago!). However, we won’t feel settled until we have her decision about the adoption. Until then, this is a twist and a turn, hopefully neither of which will lead to a down.

Bruce learned tonight that the father of a very close friend passed away. He grew up with this man and his family, and the loss is very personal and very deep. It’s funny how we hold a space for certain people in our hearts, even those we really aren’t in touch with anymore. We don’t view them as being out of our lives. The passage of time doesn’t change how we view them or remember them or feel about them. It feels like a thread you can pick up again at any moment, only you don’t. And then you can’t. His aunt has also been very ill, which has been, and continues to be difficult. She is his mother’s only sister, only sibling in fact. It is hard to be here, doing this, to feel so removed from and unavailable to the people in our lives. This one needs no label. It serves to remind us that regardless of the joys or suffering we experience, it is all temporary. We must enjoy the moments we are given and experience them fully whether they be ups or downs, for as they pass, we have seen the last of them.