International Adoption

I became aware this week of some friends who are following this blog who are considering adoption. We really have no idea of who’s reading the blog, except for those that send us emails or leave comments, although we do know that over 1000 people have viewed it from a wide variety of states and a number of countries.

So let me share a few views (from my limited perspective) on adoption. Please Note: All views expressed herein are my personal views and may not be factual!

So many people have asked us, “why Kazakhstan?” We were asked this before we left, and continue to be asked while we’re here. We ask ourselves this question too, and I don’t know if there’s really one right answer. For us, it was a matter of reviewing the different options available for adoption and deciding on Kazakhstan between the other options we considered. A while ago, we thought about the Foster-Adopt program in the U.S. but really didn’t want to go that route. We recently had friends that suffered through a year long heart-tugging process with that, and our fears were confirmed. Foster-Adopt is designed to try to reunite the child(ren) with their birth mother, as it should be. But that is so painful for the adoptive parents to be, especially when the situation doesn’t work as it appears it should.

So we looked at international adoption options, beginning early in 2006. We were looking for a son that would be Jaden’s little brother .We thought about Brazil, as Lynne has lived there, loves the culture and speaks the language (Portuguese). But somehow, the U.S. hasn’t implemented the Hague Convention for International adoption, and because of that, Brazil makes it almost impossible for U.S. citizens to adopt children less than 6 years old. Next we considered Nepal, but they have a policy that if you have a son already, you are not allowed to adopt another boy. Other main countries we thought about with adoption programs for Americans included Guatemala (mostly infants), China (mostly girls), Ukraine (the adoption program for U.S. Citizens was shut down in 2006), Russia and Kazakhstan. After hearing about a friend’s experience in Russia, the necessity to make two trips, and having concerns about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, we were concerned about Russia and started really looking into Kazakhstan.

The first thing we liked about Kazakhstan was that we heard their orphanages (baby houses as they’re also known) are well run and the kids are well taken care of. This has really proven to be true. The orphanage Tuma is in does seem to be very well run, they have an excellent caregiver to child ratio, the kids all look healthy (well the healthy ones do), there seems to be no shortage of food, clothes, toys, and it is very clean. So I have nothing but the highest regard for the work they are doing here at the orphanage, given the limited resources they are provided.

The second think we liked about Kazakhstan was our understanding that the incidence of FAS would be lower than other countries. I don’t know the stats for Kazakhstan or other countries, but I think the fact is that kids in orphanages are all at risk for FAS or FAE (Fetal Alcohol Effect). Mothers who have to give up their babies are just more likely to have alcohol problems, it makes sense, right?

The third thing that has its plusses and minuses is the whole bonding period process. This is different in every country, but I believe Kazakhstan is unique in that the requirement is this 14 day bonding period. While this is challenging as far as the time in country, we thought it made sense to have the chance for the child to get to know us while he was still in his environment instead of coming in to swoop him away like he was being kidnapped, which is done in so many countries. We’re convinced that was the right thing for Tuma, although it varies for each child. The extra 2 ½ weeks we had with Tuma (2 hours per day) before the actual bonding period turned out be necessary to get him to accept us. The two week required bonding period, with two, two hour sessions per day, might have worked as well, but the extra time turned out to be a blessing for this sensitive little boy. So we are now into day 4 of the required 10 days, and counting down to the “Court Date”. The Court Date is when the Judge rules that we can adopt Tuma. Then, there is a required 14 day waiting period where the birth mother and grandparents still can show up and petition the court not to allow the adoption.

So here’s one of the crazy parts: One of the requirements of the Judge is to use their best efforts to track down the birth mother and her mother. (Fathers seem to have no bearing here). This makes sense, before the child is adopted and taken away forever, the birth mother and her family should certainly have the right to change their mind. But this child has been put on the “registry for adoption” for Kazakh families for months now, and was taken “off the registry” so that the child can be adopted internationally on April 12. It makes no sense to us that they wouldn’t try to track down the mother and family BEFORE the child goes on the registry. So that way, when the child is made available for adoption, the effort has already been made to track down the family and they have made their final decision. The way it’s done here, they don’t really start looking for the family until the bonding period starts. How crazy is that? We start bonding with the child and vice versa, and there’s a chance the birth mother or grand mother can show up and change their mind after not visiting the child since he was 8 days old. It’s happened, and then it becomes ugly. We’ve heard that the orphanage gets involved and sometimes visits with the family and says if they don’t allow the adoption, they want to charge the family for the 2 (or however many) years that they have cared for the child, basically trying to pressure the family to let go. What a conflict of interest! If the birth mother, or grandmother is prepared to take care of the child, that is possibly in the best interests of the child. Sure, we can provide a better life in many ways, but we’re taking away a piece of his life as well. Anyway – the timing of this search needs to change. Last week, our adoption coordinator was trying to find the birth mother’s mother (the birth mother is no where to be found), and after the Court Date, the Judge is required to wait 14 days before the adoption can become official while the search goes on.

We’re one quarter of the way done the bonding period. Tuma is done crying every time he sees us, but it does seem like he’s hit a plateau where he’s just very mellow and only willing to sit with Lynne. He won’t let her get more than a few steps away from him, won’t let me or Jaden hold him at this point, and won’t really engage in too much activity. So, we know it’s going to be baby steps for a long time, but we remain confident that bringing him home and having him 24/7 in our world will bring out the sweet, little boy that we know he is. Pictures shown above are from today (April 15) with Tuma showing us his strong left handed throwing motion and a smile that is finally coming out once in a while, and another in his favorite position, wrapped around Lynne.

A funny story:

We were at a party about a week ago, celebrating Zhana’s son Ruston’s 12th birthday. But this was a Friday night, which is still usually work time for me, and I had pre-scheduled 2 important business calls before I knew about the party. So during dinner, before I started drinking vodka, I had to leave the party and walk back to our flat for my phone calls. One was at 8:30pm (10:30am EST) and one was at 10:30pm (12:30pm EST).

The walk was literally about 3 minutes. It was dark for the second one and our coordinator, Habiba, was worried about me making the walk on my own. Now, we haven’t been out at night at all, but this just doesn’t seem like a dangerous place. I told her I would be fine. She really wanted someone to go with me, so she said that Ruston (her nephew) would come with me. Now, not only is Ruston the birthday boy, so why should he leave his party, but Lynne and I were wondering how a 12 year old boy is going to protect me on this 3 minute walk? I was able to convince them to make the trek on my own, have my two calls, and start drinking vodka with them after about 11:30pm. (This is when I realized that I no longer get a Friday night here, since Fridays are still workdays with my schedule, and I’ve been trying to work Monday – Friday from about 8pm to 2/3am.) It was a nice party that was a typical Kazakh dinner, followed by toast after toast of Kazakh vodka. When someone wants to drink more vodka, they get up and make a toast and everyone drinks. By the end of the night, a few of the guests were making toasts every few minutes and the party (only 3 couples by the end of the night) was getting pretty hilarious as we needed a dictionary to translate once Habiba left. The final story involved using fruit to act out how Bruce, Lynne and Jaden were going to go home and whether we needed them to accompany us, again to keep us safe. We used lemon slices (they put lemon in shot glasses with the vodka) and showed them that we could make it home without the help of the oranges….

Peace, Out,

Bruce