Some things on my mind....

First, what to name our new child? Seems like putting the proverbial cart in front of the horse, doesn’t it? I guess it is, but it is something to focus on. As I told Jaden today, I can’t even think about the rest of it. What’s there to think about? There is nothing tangible- no age, no specifics, no hair color, eye color, pictures, no info at all. It isn’t even entirely certain we will end up with a little brother and not a little sister! She’ll swing a mean bat if we do though, I can pretty much assure you.

So it’s the name. And the debate goes something like this (for me): First, after taking a child away from his parents (not us taking him away, but in general), his home, his language, his friends, his caretakers, and his culture… wouldn’t changing his name also just finish the job of stripping him of his identity? Or, as others argue, would it give him a fresh start? Allow him to leave behind the detritus of his past and begin anew? (check out the dictionary definition of ‘detritus’ below- so perfect for this situation!)

Secondly, if this child is of Kazakhstani ethnicity (Central Asian descent), what about the issue of anonymity? I think folks in the adoption community have a different word for it, but the line of thinking goes like this: if we are out with our child who looks like us, no one questions him at all. If we are out with our child who looks different from us, everyone assigns a story to it, and feels pretty free from what I have heard, to ask whatever they’d like. “Is he yours?”, “Where is he adopted from?”, and even “Why didn’t you just have another one of your ‘own’?”. There won’t be the same opportunity for him to just be one of the family, in the same way Jaden has that opportunity. So, add to that a ‘strange’ name. Let’s say ‘Narayuz’ for now. So, little Narayuz goes off to camp, and for all anyone knows he has parents who are Asian too, and have been here for generations. And then someone asks his name. ‘Narayuz’ he says. And then the questions begin: “Why do you have such a strange name?”, “How do you spell that?”, and of course, “Where are you from?”. And now, his chance to blend, to be just one of the kids, is gone. I am not kidding myself, that eventually the questions will go there anyway, but shouldn’t he be entitled to enjoy just being another ‘John’ or ‘David’ or in Boulder, ‘Windflower’? Once in a while? And shouldn’t he be entitled to claim deeply his heritage, his culture, his true past?

So, where does the child get lost, get pulled to an identity he didn’t seek, the most strongly? Of course, maybe he will have a beautiful name that can easily be adapted. But word is you have about 24 hours after choosing this child to tell them what his new name will be, so they can get started on the paperwork. And once they start on the paperwork, oh dear. This name will be hard to undo, not a temporary one. “You are putting too much into a name,” I am sure some of you are thinking. Not those of you who grew up spelling your names over and over though. Or those whose names rhymed with something that got endlessly repeated in the schoolyard. There was a long stretch where Jaden would spell his name whenever anyone asked him what his name was. He couldn't enunciate it clearly enough for people to understand, so they called him 'Jason' or something else. So I have seen this frustration in action, but it was not in contrast to any larger picture for him.

So, I am leaning toward finding a nice, reasonably assimilated name for this child, something he can easily write on an application for… whatever. And keeping his true name, the one that came to him through the ethers, as his middle name. He can use the one he chooses as he gets older, and we won’t have to pry the last vestiges of his connection to his country out of his chubby baby fingers. I say "I" because Bruce is busy worrying about other things. Little things, like the ruination of our family, our lives, and the child we already have. Not that his worry isn't valid, just more than I can do right now. I have decided to worry about the things I think I have a chance of controlling at this point. Oh, that's actually really funny! No, there is nothing we can really control now. We just need to really immerse ourselves in the flow of this, the energy of it. I think by this time next week many questions will have been answered, and a whole new set presented.

OK, with that as a 'first' thing I am thinking about, I guess I will spare you all the second through gazillionth and get some sleep now :)/. Next post, one hemispere to the right.

Main Entry: de·tri·tus
Pronunciation: \di-trī-ts\
Function: noun
1: loose material (as rock fragments or organic particles) that results directly from disintegration 2 a: a product of disintegration, destruction, or wearing away : debris b: miscellaneous remnants : odds and ends