Even without knowing where to start, I know this will catch all of you by surprise. This post does not come to you from the Heart of Kaz, but rather a 747 high above Europe, with Washington DC as it’s destination. I am heading home. In a few weeks one of us will return to pick up Milan. I have had a personal situation arise that I could not handle in Kazakhstan, and that I did not feel I could wait a month to address. I was really agonizing about what to do next, as I could not imagine returning Milan to the orphanage to wait for us to come back. When I told our coordinator I might need to go home, she replied without hesitation “Milan will live with my family.” I was so overwhelmed with relief, I cried. What an incredible offer, and incredible generosity. She did not say “Let me think about what we should do,” or “Let me call the orphanage and see,” she simply and immediately saw what would be the best option for him, and acted. I never would have thought of it as an option.
So while it was wonderful to have that piece worked out, it was also wrenching leaving. It was abrupt and felt unfinished. I packed hurriedly, and tried to explain a little to Milan. I wasn’t sure he was really getting it, and even just before I left he didn’t seem to have much response to the idea. Then, as I was getting ready to walk out the door, he wanted to be picked up. He clung to me tightly. I kissed him and hugged him, and had Habiba tell him repeatedly that I would be back for him. I put him down and he started to cry and grabbed me. I picked him up again and he wrapped his arms around my neck and cried. Unfortunately, we left no time for this in the schedule. We needed to leave for the train station. I was sobbing by now, and had to pull him off of me and hand him screaming to Habiba. I could hear him all of the way out of the building, and it was horrible. This child has nothing but upheaval in the last months: moving from one group to another at the orphanage, having us show up, then when we take him from the only home he’s known, his papa and brother leave. A few days later, the other couple adopting brought their daughter to spend a day and night at the apartment. Milan loves her. He spent days afterwards asking about her in a plaintive voice, and crying when I told him she wasn’t there. Then the other couple left. None has returned. Now his mama leaves. What reason does he have to think he will ever see me again? I feel I have broken faith with him, and feel torn by the choices I felt I needed to make. I know he is resilient though, he has proven that, and I know he is in good hands.
In the meantime, I must focus on the situation at hand, (which I am going to superstitiously refrain from describing here) and put my energy into the best possible outcome. Any positive thoughts and energy you all can send our way will be gratefully accepted and appreciated (as if you haven’t been doing so for months already!). I hope to return to Kaz sometime around the 27th or 28th of May, and be home around June 6th. I may ‘backfill’ the blog a bit while we are home- there are a number of posts I simply never had the time to write while we are there. If you wish to be notified when we resume posting, please sign up for notification in the “Blogarithm” box on the right side of the blog homepage. Also, I have changed the blog settings so that anyone can post a comment, you don't need to register (sorry I didn't figure this out sooner!). They comments will not appear immediately as they need to be approved to prevent people using this as their personal marketing tool. Thanks for taking this journey with us this far, and remember that it ain’t over ‘til it’s over!
So while it was wonderful to have that piece worked out, it was also wrenching leaving. It was abrupt and felt unfinished. I packed hurriedly, and tried to explain a little to Milan. I wasn’t sure he was really getting it, and even just before I left he didn’t seem to have much response to the idea. Then, as I was getting ready to walk out the door, he wanted to be picked up. He clung to me tightly. I kissed him and hugged him, and had Habiba tell him repeatedly that I would be back for him. I put him down and he started to cry and grabbed me. I picked him up again and he wrapped his arms around my neck and cried. Unfortunately, we left no time for this in the schedule. We needed to leave for the train station. I was sobbing by now, and had to pull him off of me and hand him screaming to Habiba. I could hear him all of the way out of the building, and it was horrible. This child has nothing but upheaval in the last months: moving from one group to another at the orphanage, having us show up, then when we take him from the only home he’s known, his papa and brother leave. A few days later, the other couple adopting brought their daughter to spend a day and night at the apartment. Milan loves her. He spent days afterwards asking about her in a plaintive voice, and crying when I told him she wasn’t there. Then the other couple left. None has returned. Now his mama leaves. What reason does he have to think he will ever see me again? I feel I have broken faith with him, and feel torn by the choices I felt I needed to make. I know he is resilient though, he has proven that, and I know he is in good hands.
In the meantime, I must focus on the situation at hand, (which I am going to superstitiously refrain from describing here) and put my energy into the best possible outcome. Any positive thoughts and energy you all can send our way will be gratefully accepted and appreciated (as if you haven’t been doing so for months already!). I hope to return to Kaz sometime around the 27th or 28th of May, and be home around June 6th. I may ‘backfill’ the blog a bit while we are home- there are a number of posts I simply never had the time to write while we are there. If you wish to be notified when we resume posting, please sign up for notification in the “Blogarithm” box on the right side of the blog homepage. Also, I have changed the blog settings so that anyone can post a comment, you don't need to register (sorry I didn't figure this out sooner!). They comments will not appear immediately as they need to be approved to prevent people using this as their personal marketing tool. Thanks for taking this journey with us this far, and remember that it ain’t over ‘til it’s over!
2 comments:
Lynne,Bruce,Jaden & Milan our positive thoughts and prayers are with you all. Lynne I can't begin to imagine what you have been through, as I was reading this last story about you having to leave Milan I was crying with you. I know you have family and many wonderful friends to lend support and love but know our arms are open to you as well, if there is anything we can do for you please don't hesitate to call on us. We wish you a save journey home and back to Milan. All our love Amber,Kim,Gabe & Autumn
I can't even imagine what you guys have been through already and what you're going through now. Please know that you are in my prayers and be sure to lean on the family and friends that are around you. Anything I can do... just ask. Wishing you a quick return to bring Milan to his home.
xo Pam
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